When I’m say I’m alright

… don’t look in my eyes ’cause you’ll see I’m not alright.

But I’m trying.

About a month and half ago I snapped and couldn’t take it anymore. I sought professional help and got myself a Real Shrink and a Therapist (both extremely good and expensive). And I’m on meds now.

For the most part of the last three to four years what I described as “happy” or “fine” was actually different shades of miserable. I had my moments of truly happiness, but those were really few. And there was always that tiny rainy cloud looming above me.

I had a breakdown like this back in 2015 and I almost wanted to give up and get away from programming (I kinda did, I biked many times to the countryside trying to look for a quiet spot).

This time it’s not so bad on its own but compounded with other things happening in my life (one of the biggest is leaving Berisso) it totally wrecked me. The difference now it’s that I asked for help. I still run away from the civilization to take day long bike rides and reflex but I’m trying to get a grip on the problem and fix myself.

Lately I’ve lost interest in most of what my life is/was centered about (technology, engineering) and that bothers me a lot. Not completely, I have many drafts and toy projects that prove otherwise.

The knack it’s there but the thrill is gone. At least for a while.

As Dave Thomas put it, this is supposed to be fun. And it stopped being such for me, instead of an almost daily stream of marvel it gradually turned into a grind with an occasional touch of enjoyment, and not always at work.

I believe that we are defined by what we do (more than what we think / believe), work being a significant part of that. On that reference frame, this is a very tough situation.

So what now? I’m going to spend all the time I need to get better and take care of myself. I’m taking a bit of time off work and going back to uni for real, coming clean of my schedule to not rush things pretending I’m doing something when I’m not (attending lectures and using slack on the phone is awful). I’m saying no instead of hesitating. I’m not committing to do things just to please someone. I take a break when I feel I need it.

I know this stuff (antidepressants) takes time to make effect and it’s not a silver bullet that somehow will make everything fine overnight but I’m anxious, waiting for something to happen.

On a totally unrelated thing, the quote from the beginning is from a Storm Large song (it can be found here). I really miss her days with The Balls, the energy and vocal range from that era reminds me a lot to Skunk Anansie. But her smooth side of nowadays is gorgeous.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Last bike trip

This is my last week at Berisso before moving out. I finished a couple of chores and went out to enjoy it.

I biked along the terraplén as usual but instead of going directly to Palo Blanco I continued through Camino 3 de Abril, on some parts the canes and other plants go from side to side of the road, making a tunnel.

There are a couple of abandoned houses dating from the 20’s and even before that, some of them on sale:

After drifting for a while I went to Palo Blanco and had a couple of mates contemplating a lovely evening:

By the time I reached Avenida Montevideo again it was getting darker. Seems that everytime I’m around this part of the city I take the same pictures (October 2016):

Gosh how I’m going to miss this.

Night sight at Puente 3 de Abril

Larralde

Yesterday José Larralde came to Berisso.

I always wanted to see him live but all of his appearances were on hard to reach places.
He gifted us with a magnificent show of a bit less than four hours.

This year I did not attend to many shows but this was one of the bests.

Burning down the house

(Watch out)

So many drafts, some stories and pictures from the last PyCon at Bahía Blanca.

I was happily hacking on the kitchen the other Saturday when I hear a strange noise coming from the garden.

To my dismal surprise I see that the shed is on fire and part of the roof collapsed. I went in to take out a propane can to avoid an impending catastrophe and called the firemen (lucky us, they are a few blocks away).

We lost the roof, tools, vinyls and books on an adjacent room but nothing that can’t be replaced. Still fuck.

Some pictures of PyCon at flickr (not mine) https://www.flickr.com/photos/70871182@N04/sets/72157677377824525

Back to Berisso

After my visit to Las Flores Cemetery we resumed the journey. I dropped my new friend at San Miguel Del Monte with a handful of money so he could travel by bus instead of waiting for someone all night.

My original plan was to take route 215 straight to La Plata (after crossing Brandsen) but I did a bad turn and mistakenly took route 41 instead. I realized that when I arrived at General Belgrano.

I continued to route 29, watching wonderful landscapes. Among them people selling homemade jellies, cheese and cured meats (chorizos, salamis…). Finally, I arrived at Brandsen and this time I took the right turn towards La Plata. I did a quick stop at Lisandro Olmos to buy a couple of kilos of strawberries to eat on the last stretch.

When I entered home I rushed for a shower and slept for about 10 hours straight. What a rest.

Moon.

Butterfly at night

The other day walking back home I spotted this butterfly resting on the sidewalk. I watched quietly as the wings moved slowly for a bit, to take off a little while and disappear into a bush.

Emptiness

Yesterday I went to see Patricia Sosa at the Playón Municipal.

She used to move me, make me cry, laugh. But I was like, meh, nothing. All the people around cheering and singing and nothing.

All I had in my head was that old Rilo Kiley song (Paint’s peeling)

And i feel nothing, not safe
It’s a hard day for dreaming again

Bike basket

A reclaimed milk crate, some wood leftover from another project and pipe clamps.
Now I can roam freely, it feels so nice to my back not having to carry the backpack. It’s particularly useful when doing errands or picking up “trash” (but for me it’s a treasure).

Walk at night

Today I needed to clear my mind. I started to walk without a defined destination, did a couple of passes at the Olmi Filgueira track, then I bordered the nautic club at calle Carlos Gardel and ended watching the boats from Puente 3 de Abril

Sunset at Los Talas

A quick ride and I’m gifted with this incredible sight just at the side of the route (Ruta 11)

Carpooling.

Around March I was waiting for the bus and it was late for the normal schedule.

I had a very important appointment so I decided to ride a cab instead. There was this quiet woman at the stop with me, out of curiosity I asked her if she wanted to come with me, I could drop her near La Plata.

She said yes, we had a very nice trip talking about Middle Age history and art, her sons and life in general (we both were on our ways to take exams at the uni). She even volunteered to pay half the fare. (I was going to pay it anyway, so I didn’t even thought of asking).

I’m sorry that I forgot your name, but thanks for a nice ride.